Laksh has consistently been one of Sa’s best writers. This article is one of our best because it does not preach or pretend to offer a solution but merely points to the gross injustice – from a personal rather than societal point of view – of domestic abuse as a breach of the sanctuary of the home.
Broken dishes. Food on the walls. A barely whispered voice over the phone. Quiet sobs. A plea for help. The uneasy silence.
This is not from a movie or a novel. Each of it comes from personal experience. From a quiet, middle class suburb. These are well-educated, working professionals. The one thread that runs in common is the reality of domestic abuse.
I mostly listen. I despise myself for not being able to help. Sometimes I am not sure what is there to do. You see, this is not the classic physical abuse. Nor is the woman at the other end of the phone looking for ways out of the relationship. More often than not, all they come looking for is empathy. I represent a shoulder to lean on, a vacuum into which they can pour their woes.
Many a night I have lain awake, mulling over how I would react in their shoes. The honest truth is I do not know. How do you deal with abuse that is emotional? Harsh words, tight control on financial assets, continuous assault on self esteem, lack of independence to move around. You get the picture don’t you?
A common question I encounter in each of these situations when I advocate walking away is “What is the alternative?” What indeed is the alternative? Walking away from years of investment into a relationship meant to be for life? Or is it walking away from the security of a roof over the head? Walking away from everything you have known and are familiar with? Where do you go from there? For most of these women who have given up their careers for domestic/maternal bliss, the specter of searching for jobs and earning a livelihood is huge. The mental blocks against competing in a world they have been largely blind to, is huge. If the woman happens to be working, is it the fear of what next? So I leave, then what? Am I trading one difficult life for another?
When the line between intolerable and just enough to keep you crying is thin, how do you react? While a good many people know when enough is enough, there are quite a few of us unfortunately who believe the provocation for walking away must be something tangible – like a gash on the forehead or belt marks on the back.
For my part, all I can do is be there. Reinforce the notion of self esteem and advocate financial independence. I can open up my home and heart to my friends but in the larger scheme of things the solution needs to be systemic.
It lies in the hands of the parents and grandparents. The need is to create an environment where independence is cherished. We need to impress on our children that marriage is not to be confused with subservience. An environment in which, our children are taught not to take crap. Where girls are told they can be anything they want to be. We need our homes to be places where relationships mean mutual trust and respect. When mothers let fathers hit them, the children believe it is okay for their spouses to bully them and the rot in the system perpetuates.
When the recent Tamil movie Abhiyum Naanum showed the male protagonist (played by Prakash Raj) slapping his wife because his daughter was hurt, the scene is laughed away as an incident focusing on the father’s love for his daughter. We are so tuned to it that it is invisible. We hardly realize it when we see it. Till the day popular media is conscious about how it portrays domestic life we will have to make concerted efforts to spread the word, provide support for the women in our lives and stand up for our rights.
The first step is for us to realize when we are being abused. To wake up to the fact that it is not okay to be constantly belittled, controlled or physically hurt. Once we realize it is wrong, the next step is to reach out – to friends, to the police, to anyone who can listen. And then fight back. Demand respect and get it. Refuse to settle for demeaning treatment. Refuse to listen to negative comments. And have the courage to walk out.
The alternative is a life with respect, dignity and pride.
Picture Source: The Mississippi Family Law Blog
The Author Lakshmi Giridharan - Blogger, a reluctant chef and programmer. When Laksh is not staring at the monitor developing software, she is hunched over her laptop sharing her life on Musings or typing away recipes for posterity. She believes the glass is always half full and more often than not can be found sporting a big grin.
When enough is enough you have to make changes in your life. Self control is an ability that needs practice.
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How soon will you update your blog? I’m interested in reading some more information on this issue.
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admin Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at
Thank you for your interest. We publish twice a month and the next issue will be out on the 30th of this month. In the meantime, you can read more on Domestic Violence in Ring the Bell on our website. You may also find other articles under the category Violence and Crime interesting.
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“Marriage is not subservience”. Wow…perfect.
As for the misogyny in the media…yes, we have become inured to it.
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