Discrimination is viewed as a mere reflection of statistics and hence often the remedy is measured in terms of an improvement in numbers, figures and charts. Policy makers fail to see that these numbers themselves are a reflection of a cause, a phenomena much deeper, ingrained and well hidden. These undesirable statistics are but a result of the way a woman is treated in her everyday life, the level of respect she receives, rather, she does not receive from the opposite sex as well as her own sex. These in turn are consequences of the place a woman is forced to take in an economy, a society and in her own family. This article will not discuss the cruelties of female infanticide in the far off rural areas of Madurai and Usilampatti nor the harsh sexual violence meted out to even little girls nor the glaring discrimination at work, but of a discrimination that is familiar to the reader who is privileged enough to be reading this article on an online webzine, a discrimination that the reader maybe subjected to or imposes, in her or his everyday family life.
Right from when she is born the lines are drawn. What should and shouldn’t be, what she can be and cannot be and what she is to do and is not to do. To an extent the Indian family imposes restrictions on both the children, but only to an extent. Partial treatment even in laying down rules and constraints? Unfortunately yes. Denial of education and nutrition to little girls is a problem plaguing the lower income groups. But we are talking about subtler differences in treating one’s own kin prevalent in the middle income Indian households. About differences without any reason or explanation that weigh down upon little inquisitive minds and make them ask, “How am I different from my brother?”
It is okay for a boy to wake up late, postpone his bath till late evening, eat his heart out even in the midst of poky relatives and throw his things around but the same does not apply to his sister. Even in houses where children are overtly pampered, the girl maybe allowed to have her Sunday breakfast at eleven, but with a disapproving grunt from the father, “ Girls should be up early, how will you grow up to manage a house tomorrow?” Some giggle at their daddy’s affectionate chiding, some swallow it with a sigh while some others’ irritation hits the roof but with the result, “It is not good for a girl to lose her temper like this”. Good Lord! It is of course okay to inculcate good habits and a certain amount of orderliness in a child’s life, but it is not okay to make the children adapt different lifestyles just because of their sexes to the extent that it even affects the careers they can or cannot choose. If statistics are anything to go by, then maximum female workforce participation in the services sector, especially in the hospitality industry is not an innocent coincidence.
If this differential treatment during childhood is difficult to put up with then marriage is a nightmare. The concept of arranged marriages is a frightening culture, more so for the girl. Right from the search for a groom till changing one’s identity to correlate with the family she is wed into, the adjustments, the changes and the sacrifices she has to make are sometimes even terrifying. A glimpse at the matrimonial columns will say it all. A fair complexioned, good natured girl who can cook and follows Indian traditions. The boy has to be taller than the girl and also older. More importantly the girl’s educational qualification should not match up to the boy’s. Sometimes even educational differences maybe ignored for the sake of a good ‘alliance’ and a brilliant horoscope match but the girl earning a higher income is a strict no! The common excuse given when a few decide to ask why – all Indian traditions have a meaningful reason behind them, when the elders of the family take a decision they definitely will have their children’s future in mind. But what is this mystic reason, nobody seems to know. All these point out to an obvious behavioural trait – the husband needs to have the dominant, upper hand in the family. A husband is still after all the head of the family.
These trifles only multiply in number and magnitude after the wedlock has actually been accomplished. A five pound heavy gold thaali or flashy red sindoor proclaims her marital status –she is somebody else’s property now. If only the thaali and the sindoor will at least protect them from being raped or mistreated at work! Women leaving their parents, siblings, their doggy and their individuality behind and bracing themselves to live with the husband’s family is still a reality. The wife is to return home before the husband to be able to make up the beds and cook for him. The child carries the father’s initials or the father’s name. After all the discussion the final word lies with daddy. Then why the pretence of an open minded discussion? A marketing job that takes the son all over the country is fine because he has to feed the family, but the same is not applicable to the bahu. How could she leave the family behind for her career? How very selfish! The slightest expression of the wish to go a little out of the way to perform better at the job like working extra hours or taking work back home, earns women the tag “ambitious, non-family types” but the same trait in the husband means he is hardworking. Men performing household chores is still an exception or a Sunday special! Even in households with both the couple working it is she who is expected to handle the kitchen and dirty clothes while he makes future plans for children and takes crucial financial decisions. Again a pretence – sharing family responsibilities my foot! Fifty years after Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique which revealed the conspiracy behind using women for advertising dish washers and toilet cleaners, it is still beaming married Indian women holding a bar of Vim or a bottle of Harpic, with a celebrity male actor thrown in for the charm. It is still the wife who cooks Ghajar ka Halwa in her all new Hawkins, while the husband is thrown in as a second thought to appreciate her cooking or to bring home a boss who promotes him after being impressed by his employees’ wife’s cooking!
Yes, all this sounds more like a rant, perhaps even a boring repetition. How many times have these issues been written about already! The fact that it is still being written about, is being fought against, is a testimony to the undeniable reality that women in today’s world are still forced to fit into iron casts. Casual statements in our daily conversations such as, “Don’t cry like a girl,” or “You actually lost to a woman (smirk)!” are a reminder of the fact that women are still viewed as weak, inferior beings who are to stay within the lines drawn by the society, a patriarchal society too obviously dominated by the men. Changes are happening but much too slow and not in the right places. Changes that affect the thought process and ideals of an average human being, which determine societal and family roles, are what is needed but are hard to come by. Maybe at this pace, somewhere in the future a generation of women may benefit. But the struggle is not for a great granddaughter who might never be seen. A woman has the right to her privileges, her equality and to be respected for being born a woman – in her own lifetime! At least within the walls of her own home!
The Author Janani’s fascination for Economics landed her in a BA Economics course at Stella Maris College, Chennai and she is currently in her final year. After a long internal conflict she has acknowledged her passion for writing and deciding to pursue this passion for life, she is now an aspiring journalist. To sustain the momentum she freelances and at times just blogs on her mind as she gazes at the world from a speeding train or her bedroom window. When she is not writing she is either curled up with a book or is in the middle of a debate. She believes that reporting is one strong way to create an active citizenry and is all set to prove it.
So simple yet so effective! A very observant article..loved it!
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