“Listen dude,” he was saying. “I know that you only have my best interests at heart. Right? You want me to be happy. That’s your job. Well how am I supposed to find the girl of my dreams if I don’t check her out first? Maybe I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with Tiffany from 3C, but if I follow through on my vow there’s no way that’s going to happen. Do you really want me to deny myself my potential soulmate? Do you?”

It’s very shocking when you wake up in the middle of the night to find a God sitting on the edge of your bed. And it’s profoundly awkward when you realize that you really, really need to pee.

“I’ve found my calling in life, M. I’m going to be a trophy-husband. A gold-digger. Arm-candy. A mastress, if you will. I’m going to quit my job, move to Winnipeg (the urinal cake capital of the world), and enjoy a wonderfully lavish lifestyle financed by my generous yet emotionally distant female benefactor.”